| Author | Comment | |||
|---|---|---|---|---|
OldBikerDude |
#21 | |||
|
Amish Sex
An Amish woman and her daughter were
riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between
your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with
her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them
up.' He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was
again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it
between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again
driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The following day the daughter was driving
in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,'
Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies: 'They make
sure make a big mess when they defrost, don't they."
Life is Too Short.............. to Spend it Pissed Off. |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#22 | |||
|
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. There was a short line. Just one lady in front of me . . an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" . The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too". "Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow" |
||||
|
|
||||
flipthepirate |
#23 | |||
|
hehehe
|
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#24 | |||
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE (advise...STOP USING
THEM!!!!)
(1) Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five
Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five
more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the
house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
nothing
usually end in fine.
(4) Go
Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are
an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning
of
nothing.)
(6) That's
Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long
and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake.
(7) Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true,
unless
she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is
not thanking
you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will
bring on a
'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about
it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,
but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking
'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #
3.
"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow" |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#25 | |||
|
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:
"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow" |
||||
|
|
||||
OldBikerDude |
#26 | |||
|
DIVORCE VS. MURDER
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Life is Too Short.............. to Spend it Pissed Off. |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#27 | |||
Five rules for men to follow to a happy life
"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow" |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#28 | |||
|
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme." Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.(Or to the crooks.) The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle." Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. "Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow" |
||||
|
|
||||
OldBikerDude |
#29 | |||
|
'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous 'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' Sam Kinison 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' Patrick Murray You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Nash The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Anonymous 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' James Holt McGavran A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Milton Berle Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Anonymous
Life is Too Short.............. to Spend it Pissed Off. |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#30 | |||
|
Computer Chicks.....................
Hard Disk Girls: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Girls:
Windows Girls:
Screensaver Girls:
Internet Girls:
Server Girls:
Multimedia Girls:
CD-ROM Girls:
Email Girls:
Virus Girls:
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
|
||||
|
|
||||
OldBikerDude |
#31 | |||
|
Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect on his long life. One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?' She asks, 'What?' 'SEX!!' he replies. Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!' 'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.' 'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does Ethel have that I don't have?' Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's...'
Life is Too Short.............. to Spend it Pissed Off. |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#32 | |||
|
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
|
||||
|
|
||||
OldBikerDude |
#33 | |||
|
A woman went to a
pet shop and immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage that said $20.00.
Life is Too Short.............. to Spend it Pissed Off. |
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#34 | |||
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
|
||||
|
|
||||
CKakacaliforniakid |
#35 | |||
|
A lady walks into a supermarket.
She goes to the produce section and asks the worker for a half head of lettuce. The worker says "we don't sell half heads of lettuce, only full heads of lettuce" The lady says, " I don't need a full head of lettuce, I want to buy a half head" The worker says "I can sell you half a canteloupe, or half a watermelon, but not a half head of lettuce" With that, the lady says she'd like to talk to the manager. The worker goes to the manager and says "some asshole would like to buy a half head of lettuce" Just as he says that, the lady walks up behind him, and he proceeds to say "and this beautiful lady would like to buy the other half" She gets her lettuce and goes on her way. The manager tells the worker that that was the most diplomatic thing he's ever seen in his life, and says he could use this guy to manage another store. The worker says "great, I'd love to" The manager says " the only store I have for you to manage is in Canada" "Canada?" says the worker. "the only thing in Canada are hockey players and whores!" The manager says "wait a minute. My wife is from Canada" The worker says " Really? and what team does she play for?" I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
|
||||
|
|
||||
Corpsie I |
#36 | |||
|
LMAO That's cute.... good save
|
||||
|
|
||||
CKakacaliforniakid |
#37 | |||
|
What's the difference between a geneologist and a gynacologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.. I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
|
||||
|
|
||||
OldBikerDude |
#38 | |||
|
Girlfriends
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with awesome excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with cute tits.
|
||||
|
|
||||
SuZanBare |
#39 | |||
|
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
|
||||
|
|
||||
OldBikerDude |
#40 | |||
|
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed
it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became very angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed hi s weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his 'willie' over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
|
||||